Bill Sheasgreen: Claire, I have bad news. You won't be able to interview me anymore.
Claire Mokrauer-Madden: What? Why not?
BS: It has an awful lot to do with Paul McCartney.
CMM: I guess I could see that coming. In what capacity does it have to do with him this time?
BS: I understand that you have been writing these interviews as a cheap ploy to get him to come to the London Center and make amends with me. Is that true?
CMM: Yes. It's completely true. It's probably the only thing about these interviews that is true.
BS: Well, it leaves me feeling somewhat used. I don't like that, and I want it to stop.
CMM: And this is the reason that I can't do anymore interviews?
CMM: But I'm writing this as an interview right now.
BS: And I want you to stop before this becomes too existential.
CMM: Ok, I'll agree to stop interviewing you, but would you answer a few questions before I sign off?
BS: Only if it will make the interview stop.
CMM: Deal. Let's start with something general. What do you like about working at the ICLC?
BS: The archaeology. Hands down.
CMM: I knew that one would elicit an interesting response! What do you mean by the archaeology? The ICLC is a listed building, you shouldn't be digging it up!
BS: No, no, I'm not digging up the building itself! I mean "archaeology" more metaphorically than that. I have created one of "England's mountain green" in my office, built out of paper and old sandwiches.
CMM: That sounds pretty unappealing.
BS: To tell you the truth, I took my inspiration from Danny Boyle. The Olympics have really gone to my head, and it shows in my office.
CMM: I don't see a problem with that, as long as you don't light a massive torch.
BS: Anyway, I've been digging through this mountain in search of pukka pads and memory sticks. It's beena real adventure!
CMM: Any joy yet?
BS: I came across a bin in the mountain and I did find some memory sticks in it! It's been a true success.
CMM: Congratulations! I'm sure when you're in Rio for 2016 fake-mountain-scavenging-for-your-own-things will be an event and you'll be one of Canada's top competitors.
BS: The real trick is to remember where you put the things you're looking for in the first place. It really gives you a leg up in the competition.
CMM: Giving away your strategy is pretty risky! Good luck in the competition! My next questions is, what will you do with the time that you used to spend at these interviews?
BS: I'll do what I've always done. And since I've never actually been present at one of your interviews, it really won't interrupt my normal routine.
CMM: I'm glad to hear it. One reason I never actually consulted you for these interviews is that you are often busy doing work, and I'm pretty good at guessing what you would say to the questions I ask.
BS: I'd like to point out that that is wildly incorrect. Many of the answers you claim I give sound nothing like me and much more like you.
CMM: Nonetheless, in spirit I think I've gotten it pretty close.
BS: Are you kidding? I have no attachment to plaid at all. If I had really designed ICLC uniforms, they would have been a combination of white suits, black suits and denim. I did some mock ups once on some penguin figurines.
BS: Why, yes! How did you know?
CMM: Because the penguin you're standing next to in the is photo looks distinctly like Paul McCartney on the Abbey Road album cover.
BS: Yes! They based their outfits for that cover on my design! It was one of my proudest moments with the band!
CMM: Umm, according to Wikipedia their clothes were designed by Tommy Nutter.
BS: Yes, I was his silent partner down on Saville Row. But tailoring was a crazy business, I had to get out of it.
CMM: So with that, I think I'll wrap this up. Thank you so much for not taking time to answer my last few questions. This has been as illuminating as ever.
BS: The pleasure has been mine.