"Comfortable"

Now that I’m leaving soon, I’ve become increasingly worried about reverse cultural shock. Why is it that just when I’ve started to feel comfortable, things have to change again?

Coming to live in London changed my life – not in a cheesy or very vague way, like when people say, “Wow, that ice cream changed my life”, or not even, “Wow, this song changed my life”. This changed my life in a real, tangible way. I have become more daring, more able to find my way alone and solve a crisis that’s thrown at me. For the first time in my whole life, I have been able to figure out new foreign cities, airports, train stations – in fact, the city of London’s transportation system – and not be afraid. I learned to have confidence and trust (in the way of the world, in the good will of most strangers, in myself).

I’ve found myself thinking about the fact that after so much excitement, my sleepy suburb will probably be unimaginably difficult for me to live in this summer. It in no way compares to living in a city as alive as London.

When I am home, I am not constantly academically, physically, and mentally stimulated like I am here. I don’t have to put as much of myself or my hard work into things. I feel like I’ve gained some momentum here – I feel stronger, not only physically, but emotionally too. I don’t want that progress to be erased by me sitting on my couch all summer.

I just hope that I can take what I’ve learned here and try to keep doing it so I can ease some of that reverse culture shock. I want to make sure I don’t revert back to my old self. I need to avoid becoming too cautious again. I need keep up that sense of spontaneity that I’ve gained here. I hope I can still find it in me to actively seek out new experiences, to go places, to do stuff, and to continue to be amazed by even small things.

Some things that I wish I could take with me but I physically cannot: the accent, the prices at Tesco, Hyde Park in full bloom, my flat in Earl’s Court, the relative cleanliness of the tube, the old and beautiful architecture, the pub food, the proximity to the rest of Europe.

The one thing I can take back (actually, that I pretty much have to take back) is myself. I think the whole point is that I got to see Hyde Park in full bloom and I got to live in that flat. And I got to see a lot more of the world. So hopefully I’m better for it. I hope I can carry those things with me for a really long time.

And above all, I probably need to remember to just enjoy what’s left of this. I keep thinking about how little time I have left, but that only turns it into a negative feeling. I just need to remember to look around me and to be thinking about this moment, not about May 6^th.

Part of the sadness about leaving comes from the fact that I feel like I just got comfortable here, but maybe that's how it’s meant to work. Maybe if we’re trying to grow, we are not supposed to be comfortable for too long.